Good News May 22: Vacation

Good News from the Resistance is on vacation. Yes, even we need to take a news break to remain sane. But we don’t want to leave you high and dry without Good News while we’re gone, so we’ve come up with Good News Lite. We’ll be back in two weeks. In the meantime:

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Good News May 8

Good News from the Resistance: It was another week of resignations, allegations, and fabrications, brought to us by our Morally-Dissolute-Grifter-in-Chief. To cheer ourselves up, we wrote a poem!

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub.

And who do you think they be?

The Fixer, the Faker, the Bolshevik player

 All of them know there’s pee.

Yup, just when you thought you were safe, the Pee Tape is back! Trump’s alibi – that he could not have possibly done the dirty deed because he didn’t stay in Russia on the night in question — has fallen apart. Flight records, testimony of the Miss Universe host and Trump’s bodyguard  put Trump squarely in Moscow that night. Turns out the Pee-lievers may be right.

In the Olden Days (three weeks ago), when faced with a sex-related scandal to quash, Trump would have thought, “Better Call Cohen!” Well that train has certainly left the station. The presidential fixer who built his practice defending clients convicted of automobile and medical insurance fraud, now has his own criminal investigation to deal with, and was recently slapped with warrants for over $280,000 in taxes he owes on his taxi cab businesses. Next time, Donald, Better Call Saul.

Still trying to decide where to spend your summer vacation? Consider flying to London in July to join the mass protest in honor of Trump’s visit. So far, tens of thousands of Londoners have vowed to greet him with a “carnival of resistance.” Among the protestors will be a 95-year old veteran who says he’s already lived through one bout of fascism, at least 1,000 drag queens, and Jews who will hold a Sabbath service to protest Trump’s antisemitism. Fans of the punk band Green Day have launched an on-line campaign to get the song “American Idiot” to top the charts for his visit.

Reality TV and smut aside, the 2018 midterms are looking better every day. State by state, we’re getting the job done. The governor of Puerto Rico launched a PAC in Florida to mobilize the Puerto Rican vote; when the GOP tried a dirty trick in Arizona to keep McCain’s seat under their control, the Democrats successfully blocked them; in Indiana, a federal judge ruled in favor of the NAACP, requiring at least two satellite locations be set up for early voting; last week, Democrats flipped their 40th statehouse seat; and in Florida, a swing state, Democrat Javier Fernandez won a special election – in Miami-Dade, a swing district . How great is that?

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Read more Good News May 8

Good News April 24

Good News from the Resistance: The tables continue to turn on our Mobster-in-Chief, as he is reminded daily that his lifelong habitude of cheating and lying and threatening to physically harm and/or sue anyone who opposes him is more difficult to maintain while he’s trying to enjoy the spoils of his capstone scam (the White House), than it was as a lowly real estate developer burning through daddy’s cash. Id-driven, impulsive children rarely harbor regrets, but we’ll bet all the rubles stashed in Trump’s laundered bank accounts that as of last week he sorely regretted treating Michael Cohen “like shit” while the sad-sack attorney was under his employ. Will Cohen’s fear of being raped by a non-white man in prison impel him to sing like a canary or flip like a  pancake on a hot griddle? Yes, the raid on Cohen’s office (even before Hannity’s name showed up) was over-the-top Good News.

Resisters are turning up the heat.  Suddenly we’re everywhere: on the streets of Key West, shouting (profanities) at Trump’s motorcade; in Senate hearing rooms stealing the spotlight by photobombing and heckling his Cabinet appointees; in school walkouts commemorating the anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting and pushing for gun control; in courtrooms accusing the 2016 Trump campaign of being “a racketeering enterprise,”; in regulatory agencies where whistleblowers are continuing to speak out against malfeasance and corruption; in newsrooms writing Pulitzer Prize-winning stories that are uncovering the full truth behind Russia, the Trump Campaign, and the 2016 election. It’s all Good News.

Tax Day revealed that more Americans are catching on to Trump’s Tax Scam, the only major legislation the GOP has passed under Trump’s tutelage; Republicans are abandoning their House seats faster than Trump can shtup a porn star or Playboy model; energized young people are forcing mega-corporations to abandon Fox News and to modify their business alliances. Red State teacher rebellions are scaring the hell out of the GOP. Those 2018 midterm elections? Bring ’em on.

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Read more Good News April 24

Good News April 10

Good News from the Resistance: Happy Spring! Cherry blossoms, snowdrops, azaleas, and Resisters are popping up everywhere: No sooner did billionaire Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross announce that the U.S. Census will include a citizenship question, than dozens of city and state Resisters sued to block him; in an unprecedented move, 200 State Department Diplomat Resisters penned a letter to the Senate Foreign Relations committee, urging it to “undo the damage done” by Rex Tillerson; in February, Teacher Resisters went on strike for higher pay in Trump-Supporting West Virginia, and now school strikes are spreading faster than Facebook fake news, as fellow Resisters in other (Red) states follow their lead; and a Sacramento Resister is refusing to sell her family home to anyone who voted for Trump. To all of this we say, Keep it Up!

Lost track of Trump’s legal woes? As it turns out, most of his troubles can be placed into one of three tidy buckets: Sex (Stormy, Summer, Karen), Money (profiting off of presidency), and Russia (Mueller wants to chat). Judges continue to rule against him, and this week there was particularly Good News on the legal front: Trump’s personal lawyer and Hush-Money-Payer-in-Chief Michael Cohen is now of interest to Mueller, and it just may be that Trump’s ex-lawyer John Dowd may have obstructed justice. In the words of the great poet Sting: Be still my beating heart.

Speaking of Russia … Mueller’s been digging around in all kinds of deep, musty places lately. Of interest is why the Russians showed up at the Republican Convention, and it’s a pretty good guess they weren’t there for the GOP elephant swag. Clues could come from an alleged Russian hacker who was extradited from the Czech Republic, and appeared this past week in a San Francisco court. Mueller’s expected to have a lot to ask him, as well as the Cambridge Analytica whistleblower who is happily spilling the beans on how his former employer used Facebook to plunge America into the dystopian nightmare we feared. Stay tuned …

Finally, we would be remiss if we failed to mention EPA Chief Scott I-💗-Fossil-Fuel-Industries Pruitt. Among the stories uncovered about the Swamp-Dweller-du-Jour: Pruitt often failed to pay his lobbyist landlords the $50/night rent he owed, they changed the locks because he wouldn’t move out, and he traveled First Class with a full security detail because someone once yelled a profanity at him in an airport. In total, there are at least 23 ethics charges against him. The Good News? EPA has been reduced to “a slow moving train wreck,” with Pruitt so embroiled in controversy that his agency is, at least for the time being, incapable of implementing his plans for environmental destruction.

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Good News March 27

Good News from the Resistance: Just when we were certain it was impossible for one more firing, resignation, investigation, or porn star allegation to be packed into a single week, Trumpworld proved us wrong. Our takeaway from recent events? The tables are starting to turn. Increasingly, the Good Guys are playing offense, and the Bad Guys are on the run. So sit back, dear Resisters, and enjoy the show.

Kids! They’re Getting the Job Done. Last weekend, on the heels of a successful National School Walkout, over a million kids, parents, and grandparents took to the streets to demand stricter gun control. The teenagers who planned the March were encouraged and bankrolled by pop singers and movie stars. New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft (a friend of 45’s), Delta, and Lyft provided free transportation. For his part, 45 fled to Mar-a-Lago, where he buried his head in a golf course sand trap, and once again demonstrated his cowardice by changing the route of his motorcade in order to avoid the thousands of protesters who were eagerly awaiting his arrival. If that’s not a defensive move, what is?

We’re betting on the kids. In the few short weeks since they’ve taken over, public opinion has dramatically shifted (in the right direction), retailers are restricting gun sales, Citibank will no longer do business with companies that sell guns, and Youtube will censor videos that show how to make them. The kids are in it for the long run: they’re making gun control a key voting issue. We look forward to watching NRA Bully-in-Chief Wayne LaPierre taking refuge at Mar-a-Lago, where his buddy 45 will surely offer the head-burying sand trap next to his.

It’s Mueller Time, Big Time. It’s not easy keeping track of Mueller’s narrative, with all the characters, piecemeal information, and denials. No one knows where the investigation will end, but we do know this: all the news this week was Good News, and it just keeps getting better. There’s more than one honey pot at the end of Mueller’s rainbow, and here’s why we’re betting on Mueller’s team to find all of them (try to read the entire next happy paragraph without taking a breath):

Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization, looking for clues to Russian funding and interference in the 2016 election, he wants to talk to 45 personally, mostly about the Flynn and Comey firings, and while 45 said he welcomes a sit-down, the advice from his lawyers is, “don’t do it!”; but … 45’s lead lawyer quit and he’s having a tough time finding someone who wants the job, which means he no longer has a legal team stopping him; Attorney General Jeff Sessions fired FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, McCabe has memos describing what he saw and heard in the aftermath of the Flynn and Comey firings, and he’s shared them with Mueller; Mueller’s scrutinizing the connections between 45’s campaign and Cambridge Analytica,the sleazy company whose CEO was fired after telling an undercover British journalist that his company used prostitutes and “fake news” to swing elections throughout the world. The Trump campaign paid the company $6 million to help get 45 elected. But you knew all of that.

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Read more Good News March 27

Good News March 6

Good News from the Resistance: At long last, a school shooting is hitting the NRA  in the only place its members bleed: their wallets. Thanks in large part to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School survivor-activists like Emma Gonzales, companies are severing their NRA relationships as fast as a 19-year old can pull the trigger on an AR-15 assault rifle. In the last week, NRA’s ammosexual members lost their discounts on United and Delta airlines, National Bank of Omaha credit cards, Hertz, Avis, Budget and Enterprise car rentals, Met Life insurance, and more. Walmart announced it will no longer sell guns and ammo to anyone under 21, so teenagers shopping for party-packs of Cheetos and beer, who want to pick up a rifle too, will have to make an extra stop at a smaller gun store. Yes, these are baby steps. But there’s no denying that over the last few weeks, the national conversation on gun control has changed. Gun company stocks are plummeting, and Remington is filing for bankruptcy. Here’s hoping that other manufacturers follow Remington’s lead.

White House and agency appointees are scattering like an intrusion of roaches when the light’s flipped on, as an anti-45, “what the hell have we bought into?” wave builds. 45’s trusted 29-year-old advisor and White-Liar-in-Chief Hope Hicks is out, as is Senior White House spokesman and Ivanka confidant Josh Raffel. No one can blame the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico for calling it quits, and we can all feel the pain of the soon-to-be former deputy head of the Department of Homeland Security. Adios, ladies.

Keep that chin up and your spirits high, Good News seekers, because Mueller’s getting closer and and his net is getting tighter. Jared is slowly, torturously being destroyed, 45’s friends continue to worry, off-the-record, about his “well-being,” and the BEST NEWS yet — Mueller is subpoenaing all emails, texts, handwritten notes, etc. that ex-45 aide Sam Nunberg sent and received from 10 members of 45’s most Inner Circle. #3 on the list is certain to make you smile. Read on for even more Good News:

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Read more Good News March 6

Good News January 29: Mueller Time

Good News from the Resistance: It’s tough not to cringe while thinking about 45 being invited to give the closing address at Davos, but the Good News is that thousands of resisters flooded Zurich streets to protest, a group of seven climbers scaled a Swiss mountain to hang an anti-45 banner, and during 45’s speech attendees booed his “fake news” remarks, while others left, mid-speech, “to catch an early flight.” That said, we’ll be on the lookout for a White House-issued photo of the biggest crowds ever to attend a Davos speech. But now, dear Resisters, it’s Mueller Time …

Much of this week’s Good News was owned by Bob Oh-He’s-Getting-So-Close Mueller.  After interviewing Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Mueller now wants to question 45. Under oath. Our Liar-in-Chief immediately agreed to the interview. Oh, to be  a fly on the wall in White House lawyer Ty Cobb’s office, when he heard his boss had said to reporters, “I’m looking forward to it, actually.”  It’s no surprise that Cobb went into overdrive, back-pedaling and clarifying, trying to clean up yet another 45-induced mess. What could he have to hide? Well, for starters, this week the New York Times reported that 45 tried to fire Mueller last June, but when his lawyer threatened to quit, 45 backed down. Which is why it is increasingly likely that Mueller thinks 45 obstructed justice. To that we say, Go, Bob, Go!

Finally, who would’ve thought so much Good News would come out of Pennsylvania in a single week? A PA court rejected a GOP gerrymandered voting map, which will work in favor of the Blue Wave of 2018; Democrat Austin Davis won in a special election for the PA House, making him the first African-American to represent a district outside of Pittsburgh’s urban core; Rep. Patrick Meehan, a member of the House Ethics Committee, will not seek re-election after it was discovered he had quietly settled a sexual harassment suit filed by a former employee. Icing on the cake? Meehan, a Republican, holds a seat in a largely Democratic district. Once again we say, “Blue Wave.” Keep reading,Good News seekers, as there’s more to cheer about in this week’s Good News:

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Read more Good News January 29: Mueller Time

Good News January 15, 2018

This week’s Good News from the Resistance: The Good News has really piled up while we were on vacation. There’s much to catch up on, so take a deep breath, get yourself comfortable, and prepare to revel in the inaugural Good News of 2018.

First up, of course, is Fire and Fury, a skewering expose of our Dilettante-in-Chief’s journey to the White House, chock full of juicy behind-the-scenes tales. Our favorite tidbit: Bannon threw a Molotov cocktail at 45, using the adjective “treasonous” to describe a meeting between campaign operatives and the Russians.  As a result, we’ve witnessed something as rare as 45’s spokesmodel Sarah Huckabee telling the truth: Fox News has exercised good judgment. The network won’t touch the suddenly toxic, unemployed Bannon.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t catch you up on the new and ongoing investigations and lawsuits. Mark your calendars for May 14, the date Mueller’s requesting Manafort’s trial.  Adding to the former campaign chairman’s woes is a new lawsuit brought by a Russian billionaire, who claims Manafort bilked him out of $19 million. Now take a moment to say a prayer for the Arabs and Jews, because it looks like Jared may have to take time off from negotiating Middle East peace to defend his real estate company on yet more charges; the SEC has opened an investigation of his sketchy use of EB-5 visas, which he granted to wealthy Chinese (not people from sh**hole countries). Ca-ching, ca-ching, is there no end in sight for the First Family’s legal bills? Kushner is being sued by one of his multiple attorneys for not paying his bills, and while the American people continue to foot the bill for 45 to play golf at Mar-a-Lago, the good news is that the laziest president in history has started paying his Russian probe lawyers out of his own pocket.

Have no fear good news seekers, all will work out in the end. A prominent evangelist is calling for fasting and prayer to protect our God-fearing, law-abiding, deeply religious, racist president from harm.  Future issues of Good News will report on how that’s working out.  Yes, there’s even more Good News:

Good News December 18

This week’s Good News from the Resistance: The good guy won! Only in this place and time would a candidate with a long history of fighting for civil rights just narrowly defeat a pro-slavery, anti-Semitic, anti-Muslim, anti-gay, child molesting Bible thumper. But Jones did win. Why? Because over the last year, while 45 and his Inner Circle have been chipping away at our rights and stuffing them into their pockets, we’ve been organizing. Last week in Alabama The Resistance went pro. Indivisible, Woke Vote, NAACP and others showed we’re ready for 2018. Grateful that black voters – particularly women – showed up in force, resisters were quick to say Thank You. But we need to do more. Now let’s revel in our victory, and take a moment to watch Colbert’s Ballad of Roy Moore. And read more Good News:

Good News December 11

This week’s Good News from the Resistance: Fox News is reeling because Robert Mueller has spent more than $6 million on his investigation. That may seem like a lot of money, until you consider this: it costs taxpayers more than $3 million each time 45 schleps his entourage to Mar-a-Lago. But here’s the $6 million question: what price would you put on the heads of Mueller’s targets; i.e. how much is it worth to you personally, to the country, to the world, and to the planet, for 45 and his Inner Circle to be forced to vacate the White House? To that we say, ka-ching, ka-ching, Mr. Mueller, keep that tab open. Our favorite move Mueller’s made so far? Even if 45 cans him, the investigation goes on. But you knew all of that. Here’s more Good News:

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Read more Good News December 11