Madoff, Mafioso, Martha Stewart, Oh My!

Good News from the Resistance: I’m not going to mention the Mueller Report. I’m tired of it. Enough’s been said. I just won’t go there.

Except to say: Barr’s summary of the 300-page report is at best a joke and at worst a full-blown cover-up; the investigation was an unmitigated success at uncovering both legal and illegal corruption; after a short hiatus Schiff got his groove back, and if he doesn’t get answers to the questions Mueller avoided, the “we know how to do this better than anybody” hard-charging, high profile-seeking Southern District of NY Court will. (Among their cases: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, Bernie Madoff, Ivan Boesky, Michael Milken, the Gambinos, Martha Stewart, and most recently, Michael Cohen). Unlike Mueller, the NY court’s  mandate is not limited – it can and will go wherever the trails lead. And that’s all I’ll say about Mueller. I promise.

Except to say: Travel back in time, and watch Colbert’s bittersweet Mueller adieu.

Finally, there’s been a spate of Good News around one of America’s biggest embarrassments: OxyContin. More than 500 cities and counties have joined a lawsuit against the Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma, the OxyContin pusher that sparked the opioid epidemic; in England, the Tate and National Portrait Galleries will no longer accept donations from the Sacklers, leaving the billionaires fewer options in which to park their ill-gained spoils; Oklahoma settled a suit with the company for $270 million, some of which will fund a National Center for Addiction Studies; on the heels of the OK settlement New York filed the most extensive suit to date against Purdue’s owners; more than 1,600 suits have been consolidated in Ohio, and others are pending in state courts. The next time you visit a Sackler Wing at the Smithsonian, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Louvre, The Guggenheim, or Harvard, say a little prayer for Purdue’s hundreds of thousands of victims. And root for justice, karma, payback, whatever you want call it, to whack the Sacklers and Purdue into oblivion.

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A Good News Junkie’s Crack

Good News from the Resistance: Is it me, or has the news seemed boring lately? Did Manafort’s sentencing fail to give you a lift? Was your response to the photo of Robert Kraft’s favorite sex trafficker yucking it up with Trump at the Super Bowl merely meh? 785 days into our National Nightmare, the Trump Administration has become a Good News junkie’s crack: A drug that gives a short-lived high that makes its users crave more, at higher doses.

As we eagerly await Mueller’s report(s), for the Dems to decide whether or not to impeach, and for the slew of Congressional and New York investigations to bear fruit, we need to keep up our spirits. Thanks to our Crack President, the Good News bar is significantly higher than it was when he took office, and today’s smoking gun can be no less powerful than an AK-47 (with bump stock). But Good News seekers have no fear, for adrenaline-pumping, high-dose Good News is still out there.

Need proof? I submit for your consideration the following  Newsweek story: “Ann Coulter says Jared Kushner could be taken down for buying his Harvard admission before  Mueller indicts him.” This is nothing short of a Good News trifecta: 1) GOP darling Ann Coulter despises the Trumps, 2) the FBI has AK-47-level evidence that parents have bought their kids into the Ivy League, and 3) Coulter thinks Mueller will indict Jared.

Need more? The GOP’s seemingly impervious wall of allegiance to our Liar-in-Chief cracked twice in the past week – on his faux immigration “national emergency,” and his support of the Saudis in Yemen. On the docket: A bi-partisan effort to curtail our Nepotist-in-Chief’s ability to give and revoke security clearances. A fresh, enthusiastic Democrat-led Congress working in tandem with GOP Senators who have the guts to buck Mitch McConnell and curtail our Orange Dictator’s power is enough to feed my Good News habit. I hope it feeds yours, too.

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Why Thugs for Trump Need Tupac

Good News from the Resistance: It was another rollicking week for the Racist-Conman-Cheat squatting in the White House. Be honest:  Did you find yourself siding with both a convicted felon/perjurer, and a ruthless dictator? Listening to Cohen spill the beans on the extent of the (you have to admit it) creative malfeasance of everyone in our Liar-in-Chief’s orbit, a warm, fuzzy sense of contentment flowed through me, with the realization that Thugs for Trump are finally losing.

Alpha Thugs like Cheeto-in-Chief, Donny Jr.Jared, and Pecker are being exposed, and trickle down, MAGA hat-wearing Common Man Thugs —  who are easier to nab than the well-lawyered — are getting their comeuppance. A Cape Cod snowplow driver was fired for intentionally spraying piles of slush on anti-Trump protesters; an Alabama newspaper editor who encouraged the KKK to “ride again” was fired and replaced by a black woman; a GOP operative was indicted on absentee-ballot fraud in N.C., prompting an election re-do (in which the GOP candidate had “won”); the Florida Bar is investigating GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz for threatening Michael Cohen before his Congressional testimony; and in Colorado, the owner of a sporting goods store is going out-of-business after deciding to remove Nike products from his shelves in protest of the company’s support of Colin Kaepernick. “As much as I hate to admit this, perhaps there are more … Colin Kaepernick supporters out there than I realized,” the now defunct store’s owner complained.

The late rapper Tupac Shakur had a tattoo on his stomach: THUG LIFE. It was an acronym for The Hate U Give Little Infants Fu**s Everybody. Tupac’s THUG LIFE was a rallying cry for adults to stop filling kids’ minds with hate; what we teach our children comes back to affect us all. My hope is that when our National Nightmare is over, and the Alpha Thugs are all in jail, they’ll use some of their newfound spare time to listen to a little Tupac.  And come to understand what THUG LIFE is really about.

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Happy Birthday #2 Good News!

This week’s Good News from the Resistance: Happy 2nd Birthday to Good News! It’s hard to believe that what started as a whisper in my ear two years ago is still going strong (albeit, a tad less frequently). What was my motivation? It’s explained in the Inaugural Issue, which featured a selfie of Yours Truly flanked by friends Marjorie and Rosalind, as we stood in line at the supermarket after scoring a family-size container of Cheetos. That night I was hosting a sign-making party for the next day’s Inaugural Women’s March. Guess what we did with the Cheetos?

This week, I re-read all 80 issues of Good News. My conclusion?  We, the Resisters, have been successful beyond my wildest dreams at staying the course and living our mission: to dilute, delay, and defeat Trump’s nefarious plans. If you don’t believe me — or don’t remember details of the last action-packed two years — jog your memory with this Good News 2 Year Birthday Recap. Rejoice. Then get back to work!

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NRA’s Trump Slump

Good News from the Resistance: This week, our Slacker-in-Chief pulled off an A+ imitation of Eddie Haskell (note to Millennials: look it up) as he read a lame, sappy speech to the nation, surrounded by powerful women and at least one snoozing namesake. Focused on a bogus “crisis” at the border, the nation’s Pretend CEO failed to address at least one real crisis: gun violence. Why? Because on that front, he had a piece of Bad News to report to his base of KKK enthusiasts, Duck Dynasty binge-watchers, Russian mobsters, and generous NRA enablers: Trump’s own Justice Department just banned bump stocks. Which is Good News for us.

There’s no denying it – the NRA is suffering from a Trump Slump. Gun sales are down, as is NRA membership revenue under its new president, Oliver North (yes, that Oliver North). NRA’s publicly available financial documents indicate it has been operating in the red for six of the last ten years; 2017’s $31.8 million deficit is the organization’s largest 10-year loss. During the midterms, for the first time in history gun control groups spent more than the belt-tightening NRA.

There’s likely to be more Good News. Gun control advocates had some big wins in the midterms, and now  stricter gun laws are a top priority for emboldened House Democrats.  We’re betting on more NRA losses.

One nagging question remains: Why hasn’t our Sycophant-in-Chief bragged about his success in pushing through the bump stock ban? Spy-girl Maria Butina is likely to know something about that. And we can’t wait to find out.

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Kindness Keeps Breaking Through

Good News from the Resistance: As Good News goes to press, we’re close to a month into the longest government shut down in U.S. history, our corpulent Twitter Laureate-in-Chief is busy doing photo ops with massive piles of junk food, Mitch McConnell continues to flaunt his bonafides as the world’s largest invertebrate (apologies to the colossal squid), and Nancy Only-Kidding! Pelosi has disinvited our Pinocchio-in-Chief to deliver the State of the Union. Which is too bad, because we recently uncovered a helpful List of Terrible Things to Do Instead of Watching Trump on TV. (Keep it on hand).

And yet, kindness keeps breaking through. Restaurants across the country are proving there is such a thing as a free lunch, at least for furloughed government workers — at a brewpub on Chicago’s South Side, Poor Richard’s in Colorado Springs, at a celebrity chef pop-up cafe on Pennsylvania Ave. in D.C., and a pop-up food bank in Boston. Kudos to the Canadian air traffic controllers who sent pizza to their U.S. counterparts who are working without  pay.

Call it payback, karma, or plain ‘ole Democracy, Congress’s new committee chairs are already making our Liar-in-Chief’s life hell. House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff (D-CA) has hired an entire staff to investigate Putin Asset-in-Chief’s Russia connections. Maxine Waters’ (D-CA) House Financial Services Committee —  which oversees Wall Street –  is stacked with members like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and Ayanna Pressley (D-MA), who are beholden to no one, and took no corporate campaign donations. Presidential Oversight Committee chair Elijah Cummings (D-MA) has already filed over 50 subpoenas, as his team investigates family separation, former EPA chief Scott Pruitt, and so, so much more. Our Future Convict-in-Chief’s response? He’s hired 17 new lawyers.

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Resistance Hopes & Dreams 2019

Good News from the Resistance: Good riddance 2018, and Hello 2019, the year our Hopes & Dreams will come true. This year, it seems as if the most popular Christmas gift among D.C.’s ruling class was a crystal ball: There are more end-of-year 2019 predictions than there are Democrats considering a presidential run. The way we see it, there’s no upside to predicting anything about our Psychopath-in-Chief’s behavior, the downside being, of course, we will be proven wrong — as were a gaggle of overconfident pundits last year.

And yet. We may not have predictions, be we do have Hopes & Dreams. Our favorite list for 2019 predicts both Good News and Bad. Our 2019 Hopes & Dreams list contains Good News only.  It’s best to read it much the same way you’d watch the heist caper Ocean’s 8 (Sandra Bullock! Cate Blanchett! Rihanna! Mindy Kaling!) — with a bowl of popcorn, a hefty glass of wine, and a sprinkle of suspended disbelief. Here’s to 2019!

Good News from the Resistance Hopes & Dreams for 2019

Finally, in the spirit of year-end lists, here’s 2018’s Top 10 Most Clicked Good News from the Resistance Stories (see how many you remember):

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Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

Good News from the Resistance: Since the Midterms (40 flipped seats!), the Good News has been coming at us from left (Nancy) and right (the Senate). The Swamp is being drained and relocated … to prison. The emoluments lawsuit against our Crook-in-Chief is proceeding, the Trump Organization surely cooked its books, New York’s new Attorney General is having a tough time containing her excitement over going after the entire Trump  family, the Trump Inauguration Committee is under investigation for accepting illegal payments from foreign governments looking for favors and knowingly overpaying Trump Hotels for event space (negotiated by none other than favored daughter Ivanka), and New Jersey’s Attorney General is investigating Trump’s golf course for immigration fraud.

The big news, of course, is Mueller, the best secret-keeper in  D.C. No one knows where his investigation will lead (the Middle East?) or when it will end.  While you, Good News-seekers, eagerly await more subpoenas, plea deals and perp walks, you can now keep your spirits high with song: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off pretty much sums up our sentiments since Our National Nightmare began. We’ve taken the liberty of rewriting a few lyrics. (Our apologies to the Gershwins).

Now, listen to Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong, and sing along. Repeat frequently while awaiting more of Mueller’s Good News!

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off (2018 version)

Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that
Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh, we are so unmoored
You stole the election, you weren’t the one
Something must be done

You like lying and we like prying
You like denying and we like implying
Lying prying denying implying
Let’s call the whole thing off

We say Stormy you say bore me
We say horny you say adore me
Stormy bore me horny adore me
Let’s call the whole thing off

We go for Nancy and you go for panties
We call you randy and you say you’re classy
Nancy, panties, randy, classy
Let’s call the whole thing off

We like indictments you like excitement
We like impeachment you like concealment
Indictments excitement impeachment concealment
Let’s call the whole thing OFF!

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Stacy Launches Fair Fight

Good News from the Resistance: When Brian Kemp, the King of Voter Suppression, beat Stacey Abrams for the governorship of Georgia, it was not Good News. But only if you’re a short term thinker. In the long term, it may turn out to be Excellent News. Why? “Because the title of governor isn’t nearly as important as our shared title — voters. And that is why we fight on,” Abrams told her supporters. Watch out, Jim Crow, because Abrams is throwing her energy and smarts into Fair Fight Georgia, intent on dismantling Kemp’s legacy of systematic voter disenfranchisement and election disinvestment. To which we say, Go, Stacey, Go!

Thanks in large part to our Cheater-in-Chief, Americans have woken up to the GOP’s smarmy voter-suppression tricks — purged registrations, capriciously canceled ballots, and hours-long lines in neighborhoods that prefer Democrats. The midterms were a good start: Florida restored voting rights to 1.5 million former felons; Trump’s pal Kris Kobach, the mastermind behind the biggest voter-suppression scheme in recent history, lost the governorship in Kansas to Democrat Laura Kelly; voters backed anti-gerrymandering measures in Michigan, Colorado, Missouri and Utah; Michigan and Nevada passed automatic voter registration. There’s been much to celebrate about the Blue Wave (yeah us!) and high voter turnout (shout out to Minnesota!). Let’s add strengthening election integrity to that list. And it’s only going to get better.

We’ll end with a Good News question: When a bad thing happens to a bad person (or organization), is it Good News? (Kind of like -2 x -2 = 4). As in: Papadopoulos is in jail; NRA donations have taken a dive; Proud Boys had to walk after being rejected by taxis and Uber; Ivanka was busted; at least 5 Democratic-led Congressional committees plan to scrutinize Betsy DeVos’s “special mix of incompetence and malevolence.” Good News, or not? You be the judge. There’s more Definitely Good News from the Resistance:

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Our Beautiful Rainbow Earthquake

Good News from the Resistance: We did it. 317 of 435 Congressional districts are bluer today than they were on November 5. Yowza.

This week, Congressional freshmen are storming D.C. for orientation, and our class of newly-elected lawmakers looks like no class that’s come before it. Forget the “Blue Wave,” last week a Rainbow Earthquake rumbled across the country, toppling statues that have been lording over America for way too long. Replacing them will be more people who look, pray, and love like us: female, black, Latinx, Muslim, Native American, Somali-American, Palestinian-American and  LBGTQ. This is not identity politics (can we please retire that term?); this is what America looks like. Trump’s Angry White Man Strategy, followed lockstep by the GOP,  is unraveling. Our goal is nothing short of indivisible, and with justice for all.

The Rainbow Earthquake brought many big wins, but a few stood out as being particularly sweet. And so much fun. Minnesota GOP Congressman Jason Lewis, who complained about not being able to call women “sluts,” was flipped by Angie Craig. Virginia GOP Congressman Dave Brat, who whined that angry women were all up in “his grill” about saving Obamacare, was flipped by Abigail Spanberger. A GOP lawmaker in N.J. county government who asked during the first Women’s March, “Will the women’s protest end in time for them to cook dinner?” was defeated by 32-year old Ashley Bennett, who was inspired to run by his sexist remarks. And perhaps the one win that most aptly encapsulates the entire 2018 Rainbow Earthquake: In Kansas (!), Sharice Davids, a Native-American lesbian beat 4-term GOP incumbent Kevin Yoder, chair of the Congressional committee in charge of allocating funds for Trump’s border wall. To Lewis, Brat, Yoder, and all their pals, we say:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Lately, the mainstream press has been full of Good News – a rarity over the last two years — but here’s some more that you may have missed:

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