Good News June 5

Good News from the Resistance: Trump-enthusiast Roseanne Barr tweeted – while in an Ambien haze — that former Obama White House aide Valerie Jarrett was the love child of “the muslim brotherhood and planet of the apes,” and in response, the sleep medication manufacturer tweeted back, “racism is not a side effect of our drug.” The Good News? It took ABC’s African-American female president a nanosecond to cancel Barr’s show. Then Barr was dropped by uber-agent ICM. Icing on the cake? Hulu and Viacom will no longer show her reruns. Now that Roseanne’s nest egg is in jeopardy, will our Racist-in-Chief offer her a job as his Communications Director? Stayed tuned for the next episode of the nation’s favorite reality TV show, Whacko in the White House.

Meanwhile, our Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) file is overflowing with GOP lawmakers, and misguided deplorables trying desperately to touch our Slimer-in-Chief’s golden ring. Congressman Costello (R-PA) is leaving the House because “all I do is answer questions about Donald Trump,”; state Congressman Garrett (R-VA) stepped down after aides outed him for forcing them to pick up his laundry, groceries, and dog poop (his excuse? “I’m an alcoholic.”); GOP rising star Missouri Governor Greitens (and Ken doll look-alike) resigned in the midst of yet another sex scandal (ho hum, getting boooring).

As for those misguided deplorables? Novartis’s general counsel resigned for paying Fixer-in-Chief Michael Cohen $1.2 million for access to the White House (his excuse? “It was legal.”); Manafort’s son-in-law, who recently signed a deal with DOJ to cooperate with multiple criminal probes, is in the market for new lawyers, after his team called it quits over their client’s “lack of candor” and unpaid bills.

The most surprising Good News this week? After attending a classified briefing, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said he fully supports Mueller’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, including possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Moscow. And House Majority leader Kevin McCarthy said that Trump should not pardon himself. This is the strongest (only?) evidence to date that GOP leaders are indeed capable of evolving into vertebrates. Hey boys, Just Do It.

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Good News May 22: Vacation

Good News from the Resistance is on vacation. Yes, even we need to take a news break to remain sane. But we don’t want to leave you high and dry without Good News while we’re gone, so we’ve come up with Good News Lite. We’ll be back in two weeks. In the meantime:

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Good News May 8

Good News from the Resistance: It was another week of resignations, allegations, and fabrications, brought to us by our Morally-Dissolute-Grifter-in-Chief. To cheer ourselves up, we wrote a poem!

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub.

And who do you think they be?

The Fixer, the Faker, the Bolshevik player

 All of them know there’s pee.

Yup, just when you thought you were safe, the Pee Tape is back! Trump’s alibi – that he could not have possibly done the dirty deed because he didn’t stay in Russia on the night in question — has fallen apart. Flight records, testimony of the Miss Universe host and Trump’s bodyguard  put Trump squarely in Moscow that night. Turns out the Pee-lievers may be right.

In the Olden Days (three weeks ago), when faced with a sex-related scandal to quash, Trump would have thought, “Better Call Cohen!” Well that train has certainly left the station. The presidential fixer who built his practice defending clients convicted of automobile and medical insurance fraud, now has his own criminal investigation to deal with, and was recently slapped with warrants for over $280,000 in taxes he owes on his taxi cab businesses. Next time, Donald, Better Call Saul.

Still trying to decide where to spend your summer vacation? Consider flying to London in July to join the mass protest in honor of Trump’s visit. So far, tens of thousands of Londoners have vowed to greet him with a “carnival of resistance.” Among the protestors will be a 95-year old veteran who says he’s already lived through one bout of fascism, at least 1,000 drag queens, and Jews who will hold a Sabbath service to protest Trump’s antisemitism. Fans of the punk band Green Day have launched an on-line campaign to get the song “American Idiot” to top the charts for his visit.

Reality TV and smut aside, the 2018 midterms are looking better every day. State by state, we’re getting the job done. The governor of Puerto Rico launched a PAC in Florida to mobilize the Puerto Rican vote; when the GOP tried a dirty trick in Arizona to keep McCain’s seat under their control, the Democrats successfully blocked them; in Indiana, a federal judge ruled in favor of the NAACP, requiring at least two satellite locations be set up for early voting; last week, Democrats flipped their 40th statehouse seat; and in Florida, a swing state, Democrat Javier Fernandez won a special election – in Miami-Dade, a swing district . How great is that?

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Read more Good News May 8

Good News April 24

Good News from the Resistance: The tables continue to turn on our Mobster-in-Chief, as he is reminded daily that his lifelong habitude of cheating and lying and threatening to physically harm and/or sue anyone who opposes him is more difficult to maintain while he’s trying to enjoy the spoils of his capstone scam (the White House), than it was as a lowly real estate developer burning through daddy’s cash. Id-driven, impulsive children rarely harbor regrets, but we’ll bet all the rubles stashed in Trump’s laundered bank accounts that as of last week he sorely regretted treating Michael Cohen “like shit” while the sad-sack attorney was under his employ. Will Cohen’s fear of being raped by a non-white man in prison impel him to sing like a canary or flip like a  pancake on a hot griddle? Yes, the raid on Cohen’s office (even before Hannity’s name showed up) was over-the-top Good News.

Resisters are turning up the heat.  Suddenly we’re everywhere: on the streets of Key West, shouting (profanities) at Trump’s motorcade; in Senate hearing rooms stealing the spotlight by photobombing and heckling his Cabinet appointees; in school walkouts commemorating the anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting and pushing for gun control; in courtrooms accusing the 2016 Trump campaign of being “a racketeering enterprise,”; in regulatory agencies where whistleblowers are continuing to speak out against malfeasance and corruption; in newsrooms writing Pulitzer Prize-winning stories that are uncovering the full truth behind Russia, the Trump Campaign, and the 2016 election. It’s all Good News.

Tax Day revealed that more Americans are catching on to Trump’s Tax Scam, the only major legislation the GOP has passed under Trump’s tutelage; Republicans are abandoning their House seats faster than Trump can shtup a porn star or Playboy model; energized young people are forcing mega-corporations to abandon Fox News and to modify their business alliances. Red State teacher rebellions are scaring the hell out of the GOP. Those 2018 midterm elections? Bring ’em on.

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Read more Good News April 24

Good News April 10

Good News from the Resistance: Happy Spring! Cherry blossoms, snowdrops, azaleas, and Resisters are popping up everywhere: No sooner did billionaire Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross announce that the U.S. Census will include a citizenship question, than dozens of city and state Resisters sued to block him; in an unprecedented move, 200 State Department Diplomat Resisters penned a letter to the Senate Foreign Relations committee, urging it to “undo the damage done” by Rex Tillerson; in February, Teacher Resisters went on strike for higher pay in Trump-Supporting West Virginia, and now school strikes are spreading faster than Facebook fake news, as fellow Resisters in other (Red) states follow their lead; and a Sacramento Resister is refusing to sell her family home to anyone who voted for Trump. To all of this we say, Keep it Up!

Lost track of Trump’s legal woes? As it turns out, most of his troubles can be placed into one of three tidy buckets: Sex (Stormy, Summer, Karen), Money (profiting off of presidency), and Russia (Mueller wants to chat). Judges continue to rule against him, and this week there was particularly Good News on the legal front: Trump’s personal lawyer and Hush-Money-Payer-in-Chief Michael Cohen is now of interest to Mueller, and it just may be that Trump’s ex-lawyer John Dowd may have obstructed justice. In the words of the great poet Sting: Be still my beating heart.

Speaking of Russia … Mueller’s been digging around in all kinds of deep, musty places lately. Of interest is why the Russians showed up at the Republican Convention, and it’s a pretty good guess they weren’t there for the GOP elephant swag. Clues could come from an alleged Russian hacker who was extradited from the Czech Republic, and appeared this past week in a San Francisco court. Mueller’s expected to have a lot to ask him, as well as the Cambridge Analytica whistleblower who is happily spilling the beans on how his former employer used Facebook to plunge America into the dystopian nightmare we feared. Stay tuned …

Finally, we would be remiss if we failed to mention EPA Chief Scott I-💗-Fossil-Fuel-Industries Pruitt. Among the stories uncovered about the Swamp-Dweller-du-Jour: Pruitt often failed to pay his lobbyist landlords the $50/night rent he owed, they changed the locks because he wouldn’t move out, and he traveled First Class with a full security detail because someone once yelled a profanity at him in an airport. In total, there are at least 23 ethics charges against him. The Good News? EPA has been reduced to “a slow moving train wreck,” with Pruitt so embroiled in controversy that his agency is, at least for the time being, incapable of implementing his plans for environmental destruction.

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Read more Good News April 10

Good News March 27

Good News from the Resistance: Just when we were certain it was impossible for one more firing, resignation, investigation, or porn star allegation to be packed into a single week, Trumpworld proved us wrong. Our takeaway from recent events? The tables are starting to turn. Increasingly, the Good Guys are playing offense, and the Bad Guys are on the run. So sit back, dear Resisters, and enjoy the show.

Kids! They’re Getting the Job Done. Last weekend, on the heels of a successful National School Walkout, over a million kids, parents, and grandparents took to the streets to demand stricter gun control. The teenagers who planned the March were encouraged and bankrolled by pop singers and movie stars. New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft (a friend of 45’s), Delta, and Lyft provided free transportation. For his part, 45 fled to Mar-a-Lago, where he buried his head in a golf course sand trap, and once again demonstrated his cowardice by changing the route of his motorcade in order to avoid the thousands of protesters who were eagerly awaiting his arrival. If that’s not a defensive move, what is?

We’re betting on the kids. In the few short weeks since they’ve taken over, public opinion has dramatically shifted (in the right direction), retailers are restricting gun sales, Citibank will no longer do business with companies that sell guns, and Youtube will censor videos that show how to make them. The kids are in it for the long run: they’re making gun control a key voting issue. We look forward to watching NRA Bully-in-Chief Wayne LaPierre taking refuge at Mar-a-Lago, where his buddy 45 will surely offer the head-burying sand trap next to his.

It’s Mueller Time, Big Time. It’s not easy keeping track of Mueller’s narrative, with all the characters, piecemeal information, and denials. No one knows where the investigation will end, but we do know this: all the news this week was Good News, and it just keeps getting better. There’s more than one honey pot at the end of Mueller’s rainbow, and here’s why we’re betting on Mueller’s team to find all of them (try to read the entire next happy paragraph without taking a breath):

Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization, looking for clues to Russian funding and interference in the 2016 election, he wants to talk to 45 personally, mostly about the Flynn and Comey firings, and while 45 said he welcomes a sit-down, the advice from his lawyers is, “don’t do it!”; but … 45’s lead lawyer quit and he’s having a tough time finding someone who wants the job, which means he no longer has a legal team stopping him; Attorney General Jeff Sessions fired FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, McCabe has memos describing what he saw and heard in the aftermath of the Flynn and Comey firings, and he’s shared them with Mueller; Mueller’s scrutinizing the connections between 45’s campaign and Cambridge Analytica,the sleazy company whose CEO was fired after telling an undercover British journalist that his company used prostitutes and “fake news” to swing elections throughout the world. The Trump campaign paid the company $6 million to help get 45 elected. But you knew all of that.

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Read more Good News March 27

Good News March 13

Good News from the Resistance: This week, Resisters, we are going to play a new game, Corrupt, Stupid, or Just-Plain-Mean. Here’s how to play: When you see the name of a current or former member of 45’s Cabinet, your task is to slap a judgment on him/her as quickly as you can. You need to choose one, and only one option – Corrupt, Stupid, or Just-Plain-Mean, which is where the game gets difficult. If you can’t decide, click on the name, where we’ve embedded non-fake news to inform your judgment. You can play alone or with friends. The person with the fastest overall reaction time wins. (In the spirit of the times, there are no right or wrong answers. You are rewarded for acting quickly and impulsively). Ok, Resisters, get on your mark, get set, go:

Education Secretary (I’ve Never Visited an Underperforming School) DeVos; Housing and Urban Development Secretary (This Job is Harder than Brain Surgery) Carson; Environmental Protection Agency Secretary (First Class is Way Better than Coach ) Pruitt; Interior Secretary (Drill, Baby, Drill!) Zinke; Treasury Secretary (Doesn’t My Wife Look Hot Handling All of that Money?) Mnuchin; Attorney General (I ♡ Rosenstein) Sessions; Veterans Affairs Secretary (I 😠 My Staff) Shulkin; Health & Human Services Secretary (Private Planes Rock!) Price; Secretary of State (Gone, Baby Gone) Tillerson. Look for future editions of Corrupt, Stupid, or Just-Plain-Mean, as four members of 45’s Cabinet remain scandal-free. For now. (Extra credit: Name them).

Yes, it’s been the same old, same old, as members of 45’s swamp continued to resign and flee; the “Trump” brand was forcibly stripped from golf tee markers and another hotel; and a porn star tightened her vise around the president’s “reputation,” which may or may not be why he summoned Bill Clinton’s impeachment lawyer to the White House for a meet and greet.

This week, Good News seekers, we salute a few of our favorite Resisters who continue to surprise, delight, and inspire us with the many ways they delay, dilute, and defeat 45’s assault on the America we love. A big thank you to:

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Read more Good News March 13

Good News March 6

Good News from the Resistance: At long last, a school shooting is hitting the NRA  in the only place its members bleed: their wallets. Thanks in large part to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School survivor-activists like Emma Gonzales, companies are severing their NRA relationships as fast as a 19-year old can pull the trigger on an AR-15 assault rifle. In the last week, NRA’s ammosexual members lost their discounts on United and Delta airlines, National Bank of Omaha credit cards, Hertz, Avis, Budget and Enterprise car rentals, Met Life insurance, and more. Walmart announced it will no longer sell guns and ammo to anyone under 21, so teenagers shopping for party-packs of Cheetos and beer, who want to pick up a rifle too, will have to make an extra stop at a smaller gun store. Yes, these are baby steps. But there’s no denying that over the last few weeks, the national conversation on gun control has changed. Gun company stocks are plummeting, and Remington is filing for bankruptcy. Here’s hoping that other manufacturers follow Remington’s lead.

White House and agency appointees are scattering like an intrusion of roaches when the light’s flipped on, as an anti-45, “what the hell have we bought into?” wave builds. 45’s trusted 29-year-old advisor and White-Liar-in-Chief Hope Hicks is out, as is Senior White House spokesman and Ivanka confidant Josh Raffel. No one can blame the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico for calling it quits, and we can all feel the pain of the soon-to-be former deputy head of the Department of Homeland Security. Adios, ladies.

Keep that chin up and your spirits high, Good News seekers, because Mueller’s getting closer and and his net is getting tighter. Jared is slowly, torturously being destroyed, 45’s friends continue to worry, off-the-record, about his “well-being,” and the BEST NEWS yet — Mueller is subpoenaing all emails, texts, handwritten notes, etc. that ex-45 aide Sam Nunberg sent and received from 10 members of 45’s most Inner Circle. #3 on the list is certain to make you smile. Read on for even more Good News:

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Read more Good News March 6

Good News February 20

Good News from the Resistance: It was a dark week in America as we were reminded, once again, how much the NRA has spent to elect politicians who pledge their allegiance to ensuring Americans’ unfettered access to guns: Over $30 million to elect Trump, and tens of millions more to elect and keep in office a who’s who list of legislators, topped by John McCain ($7.7 million), Richard Burr ($7 million), Roy Blunt ($4.5 million), and Marco Rubio ($3.3 million), men whose prayers are cheap and price tags are steep. Recognizing that adults have so profoundly let them down, kids are springing to action. Their activism began immediately after the shooting, and continued throughout the weekend, as their friends began to be buried. And they’re just getting started. Save the dates: March 14, 10 a.m., the Women’s March organizers have planned a National School Walkout for all students, teachers, and allies, and March 24 students will March for Our Lives in D.C. and other cities across the U.S. The Good News? The kids (who are not old enough to vote) just may get Congress to act.

Mueller’s 13 new indictments made headline news (yeah!), but there was more Good News under the radar: The judge presiding over the Manafort and Gates cases chided their lawyers over sealing so many documents, ordered several to be unsealed, and told them to stop it. Takeaway: More Good News will be seeing the light of day in the weeks to come.

Being married to a White House staffer is now a bit safer, as is taking the train. Two of 45’s wife beater buddies are out, staff secretary Rob Porter and speechwriter David Sorenson, and the Federal Railroad Administration acting head resigned in the aftermath of another fatal train crash. Chief-of-Staff for the Veteran’s Administration “retired,” after getting caught lying and altering a document that got the VA to pay for his boss’s (the 45-appointed VA Secretary) wife’s travel and tickets to Wimbledon. 45’s D.C. swamp is draining so quickly, it’s starting to resemble a California reservoir.

Our hunch is that more Good News is lurking within the files of the journalists and government agencies actively investigating four more members of 45’s Inner Circle: Veteran’s Affairs secretary David Shulkin, EPA chief Scott Pruitt, FCC chairman Ajit Pai, and Housing and Urban Development head Ben Carson. In case you’ve lost count: 40% of 45’s cabinet-level picks have faced controversies, typically concerning ethics. Our prediction? Ever the over-achiever with impeccable judgment to boot, 45’s not going to rest until that 40% gets huuuger.

This week we were reminded of all the ways our Bully-in-Chief continues to tap our Resistance Creativity. (And we thought we’d peaked with our Women’s March signs and Pussy Hats). Women in Arizona mailed a legislator Tampons after he voted to stop providing them to inmates; over President’s Day weekend, more than 4,000 Resisters threw “Trump Impeachment Parties,” featuring finger foods like Comey Cake Balls and Putin Pudding Cups; in a rebuke of Mueller’s uncovered truths, 45-sympathazier Devin Nunes (R-CA ) created his own “untruthy” website, which hackers immediately brought down; when a Texas man was asked to leave a restaurant for wearing a FUCK TRUMP t-shirt, he was ready with the perfect response; an Arizona county resisted 45 by turning down money to “secure” its border; a Utah elementary school is now named after the first black female NASA engineer, Mary W. Jackson, rather than slaveholder Andrew Jackson; professors at Jesuit-based Loyola University started a punk band to resist 45, called; and after Dutch women speed skaters won gold, silver, and bronze medals at the Olympics, they taunted 45 with a sign reminding him who’s First.

All of which suggests there may be more ways to resist than there are to illegally launder extra-marital affairs hush money. Yes, good news seekers, there’s even more Good News:

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Read more Good News February 20

Good News February 5

Good News from the Resistance: Last week in D.C., Democratic legislators revived the 1982 Clash song, Should I Stay or Should I Go? as each struggled with how he/she would spend the evening while 45 delivered his first State of the Union address. A dozen chose to boycott, while the Black Caucus, female Democrats, and First Lady Melania decided to attend, and signal their resistance through fashion. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thought it would be the perfect evening to bond with R.I. law students over a “fireside chat.” To just about everyone’s surprise, the questionably literate 45 managed to stick to his Tele-Prompter script. Good Job, Donny! Afterwards, Bernie Sanders delivered a (non-DNC-sanctioned) rebuttal and Joe Kennedy delivered the official one. The score?  The Truth-O-Meter tally of the speech: two False statements, four Mostly False, two Half True, three Mostly True, and one True. Not included in this tally was 45’s claim that more people watched his SOTU on TV than had ever watched an SOTU before. Truth-O-Meter rating of that claim: False.

Resisters were on pins and needles most of the week, anticipating the “Nunes Memo.” 45 claimed its release would 100% vindicate him on charges of colluding with the Russians, and put an end to Mueller’s investigation. (Admit it, Resisters, you were a tiny bit worried). Soon after the big reveal, the memo  was described (generously) as both a “big fat Nothingburger,“and a “sad trombone.” Social media went nuts over Yo’ Memo So Stupid jokes. (Example: Yo’ Memo So Stupid Eric Trump beat it on the SAT). Looks like Mueller won’t be on the job market quite yet. The Democrats claim to have a “counter-memo,” and are pushing for its release. Bacon cheeseburger, anyone?

The GOP swamp continues to drain. Republican legislators are retiring in droves; 45’s Center for Disease Control (CDC) appointee lost her job after it was revealed she’d bought tobacco stock (couldn’t make that one up); 45’s pick to be Ambassador to Singapore withdrew from consideration after she was implicated in the Russia investigation; the White House nominee to head the Council for Environmental Quality is no longer under consideration because she’s a climate change-denier. Which begs the question, “how did she get as far as she did in the nomination process?” But we’ll squelch that thought, and simply rejoice that she’s out. Yes, Resisters, it’s been another rockin’ and rollin’ week in our new reality, but don’t despair, because there’s even more Good News:

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Read more Good News February 5